MENTAL HEALTH WEEK 2021
- jessicatrim6
- May 15, 2021
- 6 min read
🚨 TRIGGER WARNING 🚨 Distressful content
Mental Health Awareness
I never ever thought I’d post this photo, not because I’m embarrassed but because I never thought I’d overcome it, I never thought I’d get past those feelings, I never thought I’d wake up and not want to die. I felt stuck, so stuck, so broken, so numb. I hate saying this now because I’m in such a better place, but i didn’t feel I had any reason to keep living. It was a slippery slope that took me to this place, and for all who knew my battles over a year ago, you’ll understand why. Working in mental health seems crazy when you look at this right? How could I, someone who supports and provides sessions for others - allow myself to get to this point? Why didn’t I know how to pick myself up?
There’s several things I wish to cover in this post and I’ll aim to do them in as little words as I can, I understand sometimes I blab on but I mean everything I say. But I’ll section it, so avoid what you please, I know it may be boring.
My MH Journey (topics that I’ve never discussed previously before this):
My journey with negative mental health, started (I believe) was when I was a teen. I was bullied from the age of 8 up until secondary school and beyond. I remember being tormented for my legs, my nose, my freckles, my hair, my excema, everything - you name it, I heard it. I started self-harming when I was just 13 years old, just small cuts every now and again on my arms and the tops of my legs. I hated myself, and longed to be someone else, one of the girls who turned up to school looking beautiful every day, one of the girls who had lots of friends.
I was always a tomboy. Growing up with two younger brothers meant that I was always out in the street, skateboarding, building dens and hanging out with my brothers friends. The other girls my age weren’t like that, and I started to force myself to feel like I needed to “fit in” because I was different. As a teenager, I was never interested in boys, like other girls were. I grew up witnessing a lot of domestic violence, and I grew to heavily dislike men. When my mum was approached in the pub when I was a young girl, I would start lashing out, I wanted to protect her.
I didn’t loose my virginity until I was 16, I made sure I waited and I never had a serious relationship until then either, with Ollys dad. I think this was due to the trauma. I’d never wanted to tell anyone this at the time, as I felt as if I wasn’t “cool”, I wasn‘t doing what everyone else was. I was reserved, quiet and only when I felt comfortable and in a secure relationship was I happy to feel vulnerable. Even then it took me years to battle with my self-hatred, my ongoing anxiety and actually let someone in. I’d say my MH was smooth at this point, and pretty OK.
At 20, I gave birth to my wonderful little boy, Olly-Rae. What an absolute beauty he was - and still is. I suffered from severe PTSD and post-traumatic stress disorder, and I became a single mum when Olly was just 8 months old. Looking back now he provided the strength I never thought I had, I never had to hate myself because this little baby would love me regardless. He changed my life.
When the relationship with his dad broke down, I felt totally out of control, like I was stuck on a downward spiral, again all that self-hate stemming back to my teens came flooding back. This is where I first developed an eating disorder, I felt out of control of my life, being a single mum, studying a degree, working full time was so stressful, and my eating was the one thing I could regain control over. To start with, I’d starve myself for most of the day, before long a day at a time, but then it became that I was too faint and dizzy, so I started only eating things like weetabix - I still felt I was fat, I still hated myself, so I controlled it even more and began making myself sick. I lost 6stone in a matter of 3 months. It became an obsession.
As the years went on, I found my strength, my happiness and for about 2 years I was doing really well. Until I got into another relationship. This one, I’m not going to discuss because the ins and outs are complex and I don’t feel it’s appropriate, but it does lead me back to the picture above. During this time, I was again being bullied over the internet, trolled and had the most disgusting comments made about me not by one person, but several.
In November 2019, I experienced my Ectopic loss, surgery to remove my baby - and one of my Fallopian tubes. This triggered PTSD, and significant grief.
This picture was from 8th April 2020. 13 months ago. Again, if your close, you’ll know what was happening then, and you’ll remember how it tore me apart. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I had moved in with my nan and grandad, I was constantly upset, always on the brink of tears, totally broken, facing all these issues and whilst grieving and I felt I couldn’t take it any longer. I had accusations thrown at me, my name and personality publicly slandered and I wanted to die. In June, I wrote a letter to my family, and left the home with the intent to end my life. I am forever thankful to my friend who came and got me on that evening, took me for a hot chocolate and a cry, and told me it would all be OK. I will never ever forgive myself for putting my family through the experience of having to read that very letter.
My Journey to today!
Anyone who’s still reading this, a big well done! See... told you I could mumble on!
In July 2020, I started my journey. I started various therapies, medications, mindfulness and began my journey back to finding myself again.
I focused on everything I’d achieved, I had sold my flat, I’d brought a new home, I had got my Bachelors degree, I had started my Masters degree, I had brought my puppy, and I was on my way to rediscovering JESSICA again. My trauma was deep rooted, and there were things I didn’t want to address, but I knew it was necessary to do so, in order for me to move forward. I had 2 therapy sessions a week, I had allocated support worker from the police (who is an absolute lifesaver - I love her and cannot thank her enough!) and my support networks were growing.
10 months on, and I am a totally different person. Never have I woken up until this journey started every single day, and felt so grateful that I am here, that I have the most amazing son, I have the future of my dreams, and I have incredible strength. I haven’t had a bad day since that day I decided to take the support, I rarely find myself upset, and I can take everything in my stride.
I’ve battled my PTSD head on, I now support young people who have grown up or witnessed domestic violence in their homes, I am able to support those with trauma or experiencing loss, I can look back on my experiences with a balanced mind - with no hate, just thankful for the experiences that made me who I am today.
MENTAL HEALTH!!!
Whilst it’s important to highlight mental health ISSUES. As a mental health professional, it’s equally as important to show the meaning behind “mental health”. See, everyone has mental health - but quite often, this is automatically linked to negatives - I.e, depression etc. When actually EVERYONE has mental health! Positive or negative experiences over our lifetimes shapes what that looks like for us, which makes it either positive or negative!
My experiences at the time may have been negatively impacting me, but overall have positively allowed me to grow as an individual, a mother, a friend, a daughter and more. Leaving me, with Positive Mental health!
It’s so important to share experiences, to break the stigma, to shout from the roof tops that it’s OK to feel sad, it’s OK to fall, but it’s more than OK to get the support. You are all worthy of a life, you are all worthy of feeling valued, validated, appreciated and happy.
Please don’t ever suffer alone. We are here, I AM HERE. ❤️
Lots of Love, J xxx
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