My journey from the brink, back to life (and one I love!)

Firstly, I hope everyone is well. Particularly with the Lock-down and new measures which we are all having to get used to as a result of this ongoing dreadful pandemic. I, myself have had so many up and down days, but riding through it all with the hope there will be a brighter future just around the corner, so sending lots of love to anyone who's finding this a difficult time.

This is gonna be a long one kids, get comfy!

Today, I wanted to post about the last 12 months for me, in fact there will be times where I touch on even further back. I've had some messages on Instagram following the positive bits I try to post, as well as feedback from these blog posts and I've been asked, how I manage to keep going. So I figure another little personal story is the best way for me to explain.

This for me starts back around 5 years ago, when I fell victim to having my photos stolen, and used on fake accounts, this has been a long journey for me and one which I don't feel people realise the damage which it does. A while back I was modelling, looking back now, I dislike who I was at this time, and I wouldn't say I regret it, but I do wish emotionally I was more mature to deal with it and make certain choices, but instead I lived to try and push this idea that I thought I was beautiful, I wanted people to think I was confident, that I was happy - when in actual fact, I was crumbling inside desperately trying to cover everything I was feeling. When it began, both me and my family began receiving horrible messages, about my nose, my appearance everything, and I guess I wanted to try and prove something - not to myself, but to others.

"You look like a fat drag queen, with a fucked up nose. Your poor son"

"I'm not surprised you've been left on the shelf and no one wants you. Your disgusting. Look at the state of you. BIG NOSE"

"I don't know who could ever love you. You make me sick."

Time went on, and more and more of these accounts were being made, at the worst I had all my personal information taken and publicly posted online. I remember being on holiday with my son, in a caravan, in Devon, crying and crying my eyes out after being bombarded with over 100 messages from males after they'd found my number on dating sites. This hit me hard, and I became suicidal, depressed and actually processed the thought of leaving my son behind, to grow up without a mother. And looking back now, it broke me. I spent 2 years this way. I was in a relationship at this time, and of course, I was being accused of all of this, through them thinking it was me. I couldn't ever make it better, take it away, or change it. Gladly, I have grown up since these 'modelling days' and whilst I enjoyed meeting new people, and to an extent pretending to be confident, I don't miss it. My life has taken a whole new turn now, one for the better, and one that's put me in a happier place. I think social media can be so wonderful, but equally life changing. And for me, this specific experience was just heartbreaking and soul destroying in every way possible. I pray that no-one has to feel like I did, Cyber bullying is one of the leading causes of suicide and sometimes it does reach a point where you feel no matter what you do, no matter what you say, regardless of your personal situation, you just feel hopeless, like it's never going to end.

I don't feel like the same person I was back then, when I look back I see sadness in those photos, not any happiness, because that wasn't me.

That's the social media horrible chapter, but it does feed into this next section. In order to get to the point I am at now, I have to touch on some areas which are still very sensitive for me to talk about, but whilst at the time I was consumed by the feeling of hate or anger, I now have reached a stage of indifference. In starting this section, I want to express what I mean when I refer to domestic violence so I figured I'd choose the legally correct definition, so as not to provide any false interpretation of what I am referring too in this blog.

Domestic Violence: Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members. This encompasses: Psychological, Physical, Sexual, Financial, or Emotional. And can include either one or several of these.

Controlling behaviour: to make a person subordinate and/or dependant by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources, depriving them of independence, or regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour: an act or pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation or intimidation or any other abuse which is used to harm, punish, frighten or humiliate someone. (Privately or publicly).

*** Source - www.gov.uk 'New definition of domestic violence'.

I have heard so many times people use the 'it wasn't violence', but violence does not define the fact it falls under domestic violence. See when I look back on these years, like I said I don't any longer feel the emotion attached, I guess now I see it in a third person way, that's the only way I can describe it. Indifference is a positive place to be, because emotion is no longer involved, I no longer rush to defend any public statements made about me, anything people have been told, or become really upset over things which others have heard, not because I don't care, but instead because I've reached a stage of my life where I don't want to badmouth, fuel the fire, or surrender myself to feeling that way again.

In life, we meet many people. Some which I believe are meant to cross our paths for a reason, and others to stay. And hence, I reach a stage of indifference, no more hate, no more bad things to say, just inner peace and external happiness. I don't hate anyone who's come and gone, and I'm glad.

The same with those who created, abused and used my photos, I don't feel anger, I just feel indifference. I don't wish to go into mass detail about the in's and out's but I do want to create a general understanding of what DV means to me. Following therapy with MKACT, completing the Freedom programme, support from Safety workers, and many other people I am able to now pinpoint things which should be a cause for concern or alarm, yet may be so prevalent in other relationships. I want you to know, that this isn't acceptable, and whilst it may not be the intent, you shouldn't have to be allowed to keep feeling those horrible emotions, all for love.

• Unexpected early morning visits, followed by accusations, shouting, endless arguments when you may have been at home and simply want to sleep.

• Accusations of cheating, being disloyal or unfaithful,constant asking where you've been, or who with - I can say I haven't cheated, nor have I ever been disloyal, but trying to prove this all the time becomes so degrading to your character, it's a constant battle, and ultimately puts you in such a dark place. My heart reaches out to anyone who has been subject to this, it's the most awful feeling. In my situation, the above story about my photos being used really does link, the triggers are out of your control, but the effects are damaging.

• Public Shaming or Humiliation - I've learnt through my therapy that this usually follows a pattern, after an argument, a separation or something else. Public shaming can again lead to feelings of suicide, depression or embarrassment. Anything which is posted regarding this is usually fuelled with heavy emotion, angst or upset. But the reality is it can break a person, it provides nothing but adding even more anxiety and hostility. It's just not worth it.

• Threats or intimidation - This can be directly or indirectly, it can follow a pattern or be staggered. Sometimes the threats come out again during emotionally fuelled situations, but may also be thrown out there in regular context or after accusations. I always say, once you've said something, you can't ever take that back, and that applies so much in this context. If you say something to make someone fearful (or even just in haste), that will fear will stick and continue, despite any cover up, you can't retract that.

• Emotional tactics to make decisions - this is also known as the 'feel bad' or 'guilt tripping'. I have spoken with many other people and the amount of time suicide is used in arguments or after separation is shocking. To make someone feel that your life is in their hands is just the worst thing to have to hear. This really plays on emotions and leaves people feeling desperate and hearing this again is my idea of a worst nightmare, it's heartbreaking and soul clenching. Please don't do it, because this alone, is abuse.

• Defying someone's ability as a parent - in this I mean using someone being a parent in a way that provokes upset. Anyone who's a parent knows that to be called a bad parent, or other things during discussions, whether that be an unborn baby, a child shared, or as a single parent. It's just so unnecessary and again, it's abuse. It sticks with someone for so long, and sometimes a comment about parenting is equally as damaging, and can lead to suicidal thinking.

• Using other people's opinions to trigger a reaction - "____ thinks this" "____ doesn't even like you" "____ said this" "doesn't this... ____ make you realise what your like"

• The list is endless.. but these are a few which have always stuck with me, those I reflect on, those I've packed away in my mind, but some how they're still there.

Seek emotional support, therapy, it's OK to have a past, it's OK that you may be broken. But heal for you, for your children, for your future relationships, for your future. Otherwise you'll drag these scars into everything.

Despite all of these little snippets, despite the up's and downs. The last 12 months, I have soley dedicated to myself, understanding what's shitty about me, understanding what upsets me, what my personal triggers are, what my tell tale signs are that I am becoming upset or angry - just developing a deeper, more real understanding of who I am.

Isn't hindsight such a wonderful thing, I would love to go back to a younger me and tell myself that everything's OK, that in fact, I am enough, but actually that understanding ME, was the most important, valuable thing. Despite our life experiences the main thing is we understand how to put it right. I had the worst 12 months thrown at me, loosing my baby and my tube, going through a situation which I wanted to avoid, and in June 2020 facing the brink as I almost ended my life.

Everything will always be OK, if you listen to what your being told, from inside. Trusting that when you need a break, regardless of the circumstances, that you take it. That when you feel you're being negative or hard on yourself, that you act on that. That when you feel isolated or lonely, that you reach out. That when you need to be alone, you vocalise that choice.

Having a plan for feel good is the most important.

One key thing to remember: You are not in control of other peoples actions, you are not in control of what others think or how they see you, you are not in control of other peoples emotions or how they feel about a situation. The only thing you have control of is your emotions and how you let external factors effect you.

If you've done me wrong in the past, if you've spoken behind my back, if you've rubbed my name in the dirt, even if you've believed rumours, or judged me based on what you've seen or heard, regardless of how bad. Just know I forgive you - and that's me taking back control of my feelings. I haven't got space for hate, nor the energy to combat the false or bad energy. I forgive you.

I hope regardless of how people have treated you, you find space in your hearts or minds to forgive, because that's all you need in order to move on into a more positive head space, clear out the negative to make room for the positive. I promise you'll feel better.

J x