My Thyroid Diagnosis, Bulimia and Weightloss

Personal Blog: My Thyroid Diagnosis & My Weight Loss

After posting a poll on my Instagram following having so many messages about my weight, I asked whether a blog post may be something you (well someone out there) may want to read. The response said a huge yes, and so here we are! In order to get the full extent of my journey out, I’m going to have to go back to the start (well, where things got pretty serious and start from there) apologies if you find it boring, dull etc, but it’s important I include the details. Also, disclaimer: I am in no way fitness trained, medically trained or anything else, everything included in this is my own knowledge and opinion (specifically though, I’d like to say everything mentioned surrounding my thyroid is pretty spot on, I’ve done so many years of research into this and seen many specialists – but again, it’s personal to me.

Let’s get the thyroid shit out the way first… Right, back to 2012 or 17 year old me… (speaking of this would not it be great if we could just go backwards and do stuff over again?) Anyway, in August 2012 I began realising that when I was laying down or sleeping at night I was really beginning to struggle with my breathing, I put this down to my asthma until one night I really just couldn’t breathe. I visited the GP and they examined my neck (the issue was clear to be coming from here and not my chest), they told me about something called “Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis” and explained it was unlikely as it’s rare for “young people” to exhibit this disease, anyway they referred me privately for a CT scan of my neck.

September 2012, the results of the scan showed that my Thyroid gland was constricting my windpipe and therefore was causing me to struggle to breathe. At this stage, I was diagnosed formally with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. For anyone who doesn’t know or is reading this like “what the actual fuck is that?” (I also thought the same) it is an auto-immune disease whereby my body was attacking my thyroid gland as if it were a foreign body or object (urrrh, duh body, you were fucking born with that mate what you doing attacking it for?).

On January 21st 2013 (exactly a year before Olly was born to the day), I was taken in for my surgery. I had a 4 hour long operation on my neck, which if anyone can notice has now only left a very thin scar (my surgeon was amazing) about 4 inches long just above the centre my collar bones. Let me tell you also, that having a big gland removed from your neck, literally made me feel like I couldn’t hold my head up after, I literally had to walk out of the hospital holding my head because it felt like if I let go, my head would fully fall off. Now that sounds funny, but at the time, it wasn’t.

Oh, I also forgot to touch on what your Thyroid does – and that’s important for understanding why this is related to my weight. You thyroid gland controls your ENTIRE body, it’s considered the ‘brain’ for organ function, hormone regulation and actual brain signalling. This means everything, liver, kidneys, heart, lungs, brain, and all that goes along with it. Because of the link to hormones it also means that metabolism function is significantly affected, as well as monthly cycles etc (Olly was also a bit of a miracle as he was conceived in the gap where I had no thyroid, nor any stable medication – special boy, but one hell of a surprise, even to the doctors at that time!)

Going off on one a bit ain’t I, sorry. Overall following my operation, I had lots of specialist appointments, changes of medication, as well as 2 years of speech therapy as the surgery damaged my vocal chords (yeah, I couldn’t talk for ages, and this is also what I blame my awful singing on haha!). I am now on Levothyroxine and have been since this operation, thankfully It’s always been pretty stable, but when I’m stressed it does drop massively (Hypothyroidism) and this carries a lot of worry, and side effects – such as me talking like a total weirdo (can’t get the right words out), brain fog, memory loss, overheating, wanting to eat like a total animal, etc etc, the list goes on. Fingers crossed though, Jess is on a straight now and It’ll stay put for a while. Another downside is I have to have blood tests every 6 weeks for the rest of my life, this is just to make sure my organs are functioning normally and everything’s ticking ok.

C’mon Jess onto the good stuff now…

Right so in terms of weight loss, before my operation I was around about 10stone. After my operation and having my son (yes they were pretty close), I was 15st 13lb. At this time, I was depressed, very depressed. At a time where I had my little boy, I just felt so disgusted with myself, I felt like the person on the outside didn’t match who I was on the inside, and for anyone who has been in this same place or is currently feeling like this, I really do empathise with you. I started going out with my friends “clubbing” and stuff, at this time I was 20 years old, and despite everyone saying “oh you’ve only just had a baby” this continued for quite a while after and it began to wear me down.

When Olly was 9 months old, my relationship with his dad broke down. Now at the time, obviously that was the worst thing ever, but now (like most things) it was a blessing. I am a strong believer that if things do not work out, there is always, always a hidden reason as to why. In this case, it was genuinely because the person I was then was not me, I needed to find Jessica. Remember when I said I did not feel like the outside matched the inside? This is exactly what I mean by this. I realised at this time, at 20 years old, back in 2014 that I seriously needed to change something, I was a single mum, working full time, with a mortgage and this little person reliant on me – but what was wrong? His mummy wasn’t happy.

Juggling the gym can be difficult with a young baby, but I was so lucky that my nan could have Olly whilst I went and had some “ME time”. I started doing detox’s (2 weeks a month) and became really good at calorie counting and I felt really good, I’d still go out with my friends to eat, I’d still eat chocolate just I adapted so I could.

I started attending Thyroid events, and chatting to other women who had the same surgery (many of them were older) but it gave me so much hope. I began running, I started with just a short run around the block, then gradually it got longer and longer, in 2015 I completed my first 5K run for the MK Running Festival and began to feel really good.

In 2016, I think was when I became so obsessed with my weight. . I tried so many diets in this time, some of which made me poorly, the Weetabix Diet – where you only eat Weetabix is the worst decision I ever made. Another was I would eat nothing, but drink just semi-skimmed milk. Eventually, I would skip whole days with not eating, and then other days I would binge and then go home and be sat crying whilst in the bath, feeling disgusted with myself. At this stage, I began making myself sick. I never ever admitted this to anyone, not even my family. I remember we would go our for meals and I’d eat so slow, and then have to dash to the toilet, I felt so awful doing this and felt I was honestly cheating myself, my body and my family. This is when the self-harm snuck in on me, anyone who starts this dark journey understands that you develop such a horrible relationship with yourself that it becomes a cycle. I’d eat, feel horrible, make myself sick or take laxatives, and then feel so bad for cheating myself and others that I’d then harm myself. This went on for I’d say around 7 months. By this time I was 9stone 4lb. (Doesn’t seem small but for 5ft 6, I was pretty tiny). I’d also like to point out that bulimia is not just horrible when you have it, but I now have to also take Lanzoprazole for life, this is because of the bulimia, and I struggle with swallowing, tightening of my windpipe and reflux when eating still now. Sometimes even eating in a busy place can make me very anxious because my meds don’t always work, and I can’t physically swallow. Please don’t resort to this, it’s not health and you’re stronger than that.

What changed?

I can’t really recall what made me change but I do remember, I had started my degree with the OU, and as well as working I began to realise that I felt tired, faint, agitated all of the time. I decided rather than skipping meals to switch to a protein shake and that I got on really well with. From there, I began to find myself again and my happiness, I started having more tattoos, I started going out more with friends, I started enjoying just being me and being around people rather than isolating myself. I also moved jobs to work in a male prison, and that not only toughened me up, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I was actually worrying about something so small when I actually had a whole future to build which should have my whole attention.

I can’t tell you what your motivation should be, but if your unhappy picture the way you want your life to be, really visualise it, imagine yourself there. Mine was me on a beach with Olly, just me and him, with all these other mums, I felt like I didn’t care, I was in a bikini and I imagined how great I felt, all that mattered on that beach in my mind was keeping Olly safe, embracing him, not ‘missing out’ on time spent with him because I was too tired, too worried about my body. At this time, I also started modelling. Most people think that with modelling comes more self-esteem issues, but I was the total opposite. It built my confidence in ways I can’t explain, I felt strong, I chose my own outfits, I did my hair and makeup, my weight was stable and when I saw those photos, for the first time in many years, I actually saw the Jessica I felt I had been inside for so long, on the outside. I was so empowered at that time, that’s when I really felt strong.

Visualisation is key. I work in mental health now, and if your unhappy I always think writing each worry down helps. Once you have this list or page of worries, go through again and ask yourself “is this fact or fiction?”. A fact is something you know for certain, fiction is something you are THINKING, something which MAY happen, something which is not definite. Then go through them all, and ask, “what can I do to change this, is it a mindset, or is it a physical?”. What will surprise you is most of those will be a mindset change. And that’s exactly where you’re journey starts.

What tips would you give for weight loss?

· Every morning wake up and tell yourself something you do like, even if you literally have to force yourself. “Today, I really like my eyes” or “Today, I think my hair looks good”. Each time your doing this, and saying it out loud you are slowly, slowly changing the programming of your self-aware brain.

· Set small goals – “Today I am going to drink a litre of water”, this small step does not set you up for failure and you’ll find you actually go well over and above. Another may be – “today at lunch, rather than driving, I am going to walk to the shop, or walk to a nice spot and eat my lunch”. This creates a positive connection between food, and a sense of achievement.

· Ignore BMI. I can’t stress this enough. If you are worrying about your weight, do not continuously look at BMI (yes I know its probably important someway or another but seriously you don’t need the NHS health calculator telling you your overweight). I got so down about this, but guess what – even now, my BMI is high. Jog on NHS.

· Talk to your friends! Don’t feel you have to start your journey alone! Isolation does not make good for feeling happy about yourself nor loosing weight. You need your cheerleaders and they probably need you! Do it together, encourage one another! If you have no one you can trust, come message me! I’ll happily give you a pep talk each morning.

· ENJOY FOOD!! This is my favourite. After dieting so much, feeling starving, really upset, shitty moods seriously if you want that galaxy bar, you go and eat that galaxy bar, if you want 4 galaxy bars, go and eat them! (Just be wary that you may feel a bit rubbish after) but remember a step back is not a jump backwards! Each day start a new, and say “alright I may have eaten 4 galaxy bars today, but you know what, I’m not going to eat any for the next 4 days now”. And is perfectly OK to love chocolate!

· Find what you enjoy. Whether it be a run, a swim, the gym, or another class. I started Aerial hoop, Silks and Pole and I absolutely loved it! I hated ALL other exercise but I loved it!

Most importantly. Fuel your mind!! Find time to be fully aware of your feelings. Remind yourself of where you started and where you’re going. What do you want to feel like at the end? How will you know when you’ve reached it? What is your goal? What will your changes be like? How will your life be different? Always always always, remember you are human, you are individual, your family friends and everyone else love you regardless, but finding that you, that self-love for who you really are, comes from within. No-one is you, and that is you’re power.

Don’t aim to be the prettiest, skinniest, smartest girl, aim to just simply FIND YOU.

I’m still on my journey. There’s still days I hate myself, there’s still days I cry into a bag of sharing revels. But there’s also many more good days and that’s the difference.

My inbox is always open to anyone. I genuinely mean that, please don’t feel your alone.

Jess xx