Self-Love, Validation and Acceptance: The Thought, Behaviour, Consequence Process

First off, apologies for the lack of posting, and being a bit MIA recently I have moved into my new home and let me tell you things have been crazy to say the least. My university degree has also started again, so finding the time to fit all these things in alongside work and looking after a pup and Olly is rather difficult, but I am going to try and find the smallest snippets of time to fill by writing more posts. I hope you’ve all been well, and are feeling positive as things begin to return to normal, or well… the new normal.

So this week, self-love, acceptance and validation is up for discussion. I want to start this by saying that I really hope to reach out to all of you whilst I write this one because I’m sure we can all relate to what I’m about to discuss, but remember your journey in this sense is unique and individual to you sometimes we take steps forward, sometimes we have a little wobble (this week has been one hell of a ride for me, let me tell you!) and sometimes we take a couple steps back. But that is all in the process. The journey of learning to love yourself is something that doesn’t come easy and takes a lot of mental effort, it’s a change in mindset, its acceptance of who you are, but most importantly it’s about acknowledging and choosing what you can’t change vs. what you can.

So, we’ve all been there right? We’ve all experienced a stage where we’ve perhaps caught a glance in the mirror at ourselves and thought “eugh”, perhaps you’ve been through a relationship perhaps that has had such a negative impact on the way you see yourself, or maybe you’ve struggled with your weight, your skin, the change in your style, or the feeling like who you feel on the inside doesn’t match that of what you see in the mirror? Let me tell you, that whilst all of these things may leave you feeling low – they are in no way static. The representation of yourself is paramount to the way you live your life, the relationships you create, the people you attract, the bumps you hit in the road or the jobs you hold (amongst many more). The journey of self-love is probably the most complex in psychology, the ability to take ownership of your feelings and manipulate these is a skill in itself.

To start off, I want to explain to you the “thoughts/feelings – behaviour – consequence” cycle. This is something I have learned through my studies and something which I am passionate that everyone should be aware of. Applying this to scenarios through visualisation or thought is so invaluable in changing your mindset. It’s quite difficult to explain, but I am going to give it my best shot at the hope this may help you on your own journey, I’ll apply some scenarios too so it’s more understandable and perhaps these may even relate to you.

So thoughts and feelings. Let’s start with a negative cycle. This may be you waking up in the morning, putting on that top that used to fit you, that one you really have always loved, the one everyone always compliments you on, yet this morning, it doesn’t look right, your unsure why but your left looking at what you see to be “horrible”, you begin thinking “this would look better on….” or “I have let myself go” sometimes even “who in their right mind would love this?”. Instantly these negative feelings drain every inch of your worth, your sense of value, your cortisol hormones (amongst others such as dopamine – the ‘motivation’ hormone, serotonin – the ‘happiness’ hormone, acetylcholine – the “information processor” hormone) your oxytocin hormone also drops (the ‘bonding’ hormone) this is what can cause anxiety and feelings of restlessness or irritability. Can you believe this? Just by one negative thought and knock on effect feeling, suddenly you’ve placed yourself in this awful ‘mess’ of hormones all over the show, your probably blubbering, your late for work, everything’s just not going to plan.

Next lets talk about the ‘behaviour’ part of this cycle. So the top don’t fit (I mean fuck topshop for making this top you once loved, suddenly cling to all the wrong parts right?), you’ve started rushing, you’ve shouted at the dog (for being a dog), you’ve caused an entire bombsite in your bedroom, you’ve not had time for your breakfast, the kids are late for school so your well and truly flapping at this point. Your behaviour becomes irrational, your shouting, flapping, screaming, sweating, it’s all going on right now.

And here we go onto the consequence section, you get to work, your in a bad mood, the kids are in a bad mood, usually something else happens here like you’ve gotten in an argument with someone along the way, you’ve pissed your nan off, you’ve ranted to your mates and they’re sick of hearing it too so your group chat stays as read. (feeling like this has been you at some stage?... yeah I know crazy right?) Suddenly you’ve found yourself stuck in the negative thoughts cycle. From this you then go round, and round, and round…. And round. This could last hours, perhaps the day, perhaps a week, who knows? Sometimes you may find this is then re-triggered at random stages, when you find yourself in a similar scenario.

Now imagine the impact this has on your wellbeing, your self-love, your own validation? Despite maybe you have a coffee, you have a bath, an early night, your “write the day off as just a ‘bad day’” it doesn’t matter, if you don’t address it. This is where the reform/change section comes in. This can be done in a million and one different ways. Its about acknowledging a feeling, saying it aloud, and I don’t mean saying “oh my fucking god, this tshirt doesn’t fit anymore, what the fuck am I playing at” it means standing in that mirror in the morning, with your top not looking great and saying “Fuck sake, t shirt doesn’t fit, but at least my makeup looks great” or “oh shit, the top doesn’t fit, I feel a bit shit, but oh well I have another I quite like”. ACCEPT, ACKNOWLEGE and APPRICIATE. This takes time and a hell of a lot of practice, but over time, your training your mind to accept the negative, create a positive, and move on. This applies regardless of the thought or the feeling or even the situation whether it be a relationship drama, a friendship falling out, an argument…. Anything! Take ownership, accept how you feel and lend yourself the validation you deserve.

This is the very starting point on your journey. If you continue to fill your mind with negative thoughts, but not take ownership of them, like a CD on repeat they will keep coming, re-triggered every time you find yourself in a similar situation with the same emotion.

Other things you can do to learn to accept and validate yourself are:

· Give yourself the space to vent these flaws, write them down, read them over and over again, tear up the paper it’s written on. This physical hand-eye, brain engaged movement triggers your brain to begin rewriting those thoughts.

· Acknowledge something positive each morning this can be something as big or as small as you like.

· Give to receive – Let out positive energy, compliment people. For when they smile, that positive energy is reinforced into your day.

· Keep a diary – this sounds so 16 year old girl, but even just writing something like “Today I….” “This morning I am grateful for…” is another way to re-instill these positive feelings.

This is your journey remember. We all have shitty days, we all look at ourselves in disgust or so unhappy, but the importance is remembering that each time we acknowledge these feelings, is another chance to cut that trigger. Positive mindset takes time, I can’t stress that enough, but once you get in the rhythm everything will seem so much easier – you’ll attract positivity, you’ll grow as an individual, you may discover a new love, a new hobby, a new relationship and that’s all down to what your radiating.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you’d like me to write more on self-love, self-care, I have so many strategies and more info. I just don’t want this post to be super long and dull.

Take care, and remember how individual you are. No-one else is you, no-one should have power over how you see yourself – but YOU. Take back that power and make it positive.

xxx